Anger is an Iceberg

What if I told you that anger wasn’t a “real” emotion? Would you believe me? It feels real enough, right? Physiologically, our bodies have a very real response to anger: sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tightened chest, tense muscles, stomach flutters, and even falling tears. Of course, it’s real……right?! The answer is, well, sort of.

How many emotion words can you name? A lot, huh? Like really; a whole bunch! While having a large vocabulary to describe your emotions, known as “feelings literacy”, has tremendous interpersonal benefits, there are only a small handful of primary human emotions. Many different theorists posit a different number ranging from just three basic emotions up to eight. For the purpose of understanding anger in this discussion, we are going with three. Just 3 primary human emotions: joy, fear, and pain (hurt).  But wait- what about that powerful and all-consuming anger? Well, friends, anger is an iceberg- a secondary emotion.

Before I explain, let’s clear up Anger’s tarnished reputation. Anger is not a “bad” emotion. We flawed and imperfect humans do tend to behave negatively when angry, but at its core, anger is a necessary and healthy response.  Understanding the basics of anger, and all that lies beneath its icy mass, will help diffuse it. Identifying where your anger originates can make the difference between controlling it vs. it controlling you.

Anger only appears when your primary fears or pains are activated. Anger is only the small visible part of a deep and large mass of vulnerability. It serves to protect you. It is a primal defense when your “fight or flight” response is triggered. Anger can be likened to a mama bear protecting her cubs. Anger is the hard exterior that protects our mushy parts. It is only the small surface that can be seen of the iceberg, blocking our view of the pain, hurt, sadness, fears, worries, and doubts underneath. So, why does it get such a bad rap? In short, because we are at our stupidest when we are at our angriest. Anger, left unmanaged, can cause us to be pretty destructive and have serious health implications. It is not possible to not feel angry, but it is possible to feel it in a healthy way. Anger cannot be eliminated, but it can be managed!!

   Acknowledge
Anger is an egotistical, demanding, and attention-seeking force. You must acknowledge Anger and the power it has.  If you fail to notice it, it will increase its intensity until you lose control. What does this look like? It means noticing your body cues and saying, “Wow, I’m angry.”  Remember that anger isn’t bad. It is a sign of brewing feelings underneath.  Validate those feelings. Even if you are not yet sure what they are. A simple act of giving yourself permission to sit in your anger (briefly) or others to feel theirs can take away the hold Anger often has on us.

 Investigate
Next time you are angry, ask yourself if you are scared or hurt. Initially, the answer may not come with ease. But remember that all those words we have for feelings can be categorized under the primary emotions. When that idiot in the huge SUV pulled out in front of you, I bet you were pretty mad, huh? But I wonder if you were scared that he almost made you wreck, or felt hurt that he insensitively dismissed your safety. What about when your partner chose to stay glued to Facebook on Friday night instead of hanging out with you? Did you go to bed pissed off? I’m willing to bet you felt ignored, activating your fear of rejection or inadequacy. Once you have an idea of which vulnerability is fueling your anger, you can accept it and let the anger dissipate.

How about when others feel angry with you? Would it be helpful for you to be able to assess the size and depth of their Anger Iceberg?  When your boss is angry that you missed a deadline, could you help diffuse the situation by acknowledging that she must have felt hurt that you didn’t value her request? And when your teenage daughter grows angry at you for saying no to that sleepover? Could she be embarrassed (hurt) that she is the only one of her friends not attending? Could she be scared of the social implications?

Take Action
 I’ve said before that the first and best way to improve your relationships is to first enter into intentional and loving relationship with yourself. Getting to understand your anger is a crucial step in that process. Being vulnerable is, well, scary! It’s hard.  It will take time. Start now by looking back on the times in your life that anger has had a negative effect on your relationships. 
Could you re-write your anger stories by inserting ‘I’ statements, instead?  “I am scared of____or hurt when you_____” Could you help your loved ones diffuse their anger, and more willingly take accountability for your role by acknowledging their vulnerable primary emotions, too? “I know you are angry. When I ______, it must have caused you to feel pretty scared of_____ or hurt”

It’s okay to feel angry! It’s healthy to protect your innermost hurts and fears. Accept and acknowledge your anger next time you feel heated. Then, enter into a personal investigation within to determine its origin. Assess the damage and your next move. Remember the Titanic? How different would things have been had they acknowledged the power of that iceberg and made the corrections necessary to change their direction?  Like the Titanic crew, you, too, have an opportunity to chart a different course.  Anger loses its control over you and your loved ones when you spend some time examining your inner maps, I promise!

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