 “You’re like wildfire! You’re burning out of control and so is everyone around you,” he said with frustration and silent surrender.
My first instinct upon hearing my husband’s hurtful words were to defend and justify. “Out of control?” I yelled back with indignation. “I’m the one who keeps it all together for everyone!” That argument, due in part to a vicious cycle of criticism and defensiveness, did not get resolved that night. Or that week. In fact, the next month was icy, lonely, and carried with it an unsettling uncertainty about the future of my marriage. There was a laundry list of complaints from both sides. Some meaningful, some petty. I was scared. I saw a distance from my husband I had never seen before. I saw, for the first time, his true dissatisfaction with our relationship and watched him place one proverbial foot out the door. I realized something needed to change. His word, wildfire, haunted me. My complaints, mostly surrounding inequality in household and parenting responsibilities, although valid, seemed dim in comparison to him feeling burned by me each and every day. I could have, and did many times, bathe in thoughts like, “that’s not true. That’s not fair. I wouldn’t be this way if only he would help more, be different, change his ways, and see it my way, do it my way, compromise more.” But, I realized that his feeling was his perception and strong enough to create an undeniable rift of resentment between us. I was forced to take a long hard look at my role in this cycle. The “wildfire” he spoke of was my constant need to control. Everything. I came home after long days and ripped through the family, like wildfire, with my barks, demands, criticisms, micro-management, and passive aggressive statements that conveyed that nothing, and no one, was good enough. I burned through my children’s confidence and scorched my husband’s sense of value. All the while, I was self-imposing all the expectations and responsibilities on myself, martyring myself, feeling like superwoman for balancing it all, and actually falsely proud of the tight ship I was running. From my own fears of inadequacy, I had become a control-freak and those I loved the most were paying the price. So, I took a scary, painful, and uncomfortable leap of faith. I decided to change. And. It. Was. HARD. Here are three nuggets this experience, and the many successful transformations of my clients, have taught me about how to start the process of change in self and relationships. 1) Life IS fair-when you learn to accept life on life’s terms. In life, everything has a season. Sometimes it throws everything at you and laughs while doing it. Other times, it flows smoothly and peacefully. It balances itself out when we learn to see life through a different lens. Instead of focusing on all that is wrong, and hard, and “not fair”, we can learn to let go of the things that we truly can’t control. While we can influence others and situations, we can’t ever control them. I learned to let go of my unreasonable expectations. If I came home and my family was happy, I learned that the reward of that was greater than the dishes being clean. I learned to share control, working smarter, not harder. I softened my expectations, and the language of my requests, and more got done. We made a chore chart as a family, and created a calendar. I started expressing appreciation for everything that did get done vs. focusing on all that hadn’t. We smile more. We laugh often. In accepting and letting go, I have more “control” than ever. 2)Crawl First. Change is a slow burn. It is daunting; it can feel defeating before you even begin. Set small goals. If you have 10 goals. Start with one. Master it. Celebrate the smallest success. Accomplishment, or pride, sets off “feel good” hormones in the brain, and becomes addicting. Every time I resisted the urge to control, through self-talk, deep breathing, and sometimes simply walking away, I gave myself an internal high-five. It felt great, it felt successful. Whenever I saw my husband relax, I saw it was working. Set small daily goals, slowly increasing the level of difficulty, and frequency of the replacement behavior (for me, this was being grateful). Set yourself up for success. You can’t run a marathon if you have never trained. Change is no different. 3)Talk in I, not You. Remember that your goal is your own change. Remember you cannot change anyone else. All you own is your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When in conversation with others, focus on your realm of control and accountability. “I feel overwhelmed when you leave a mess in the kitchen. Could you please pick up when you're done? What can I do to help make that happen?” feels and sounds much better than, “I’m always cleaning up after you. You don’t help me!” What can YOU do to change? How can YOUR actions change and possibly influence the actions of others? Change is NOT easy. But even small splashes create a large ripple. Accept the things you cannot change. Change the things you can. Life feels a heckuva lot more balanced and fair when you do. I promise.
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 I am a big fan of getting more bang for my buck. I’m willing to bet you prefer to work smarter versus harder, too. In our “go, go, go” world, where we are often balancing our many commitments, responsibilities, and fragile relationships, I like knowing that there are fairly quick and painless ways to invest in the people that matter most to me.
Although making any change in how I interact with my children or spouse requires some intentionality and effort, I have found these five things to be a rather small investment with a really large return. In fact, I have seen these five little strategies be almost guaranteed to show results in improving attachment, resolving conflict, and reducing stress across families, couples, and even preschool classrooms with whom I have worked. So, how can the power of 5 help you? Here are five ways (the quick and easy versions) in which “5” can drastically improve the relationships in your life 1) 5:1 Ratio: This one is easy to understand, and once it is practiced and mastered, will make a significant difference in the relationships you have as a parent and partner. Like saving money, it requires discipline and intentionality, but the return on investment can be a game-changer. It is so powerful that both marriage experts and parenting experts alike recommend it. The “magic ratio” (Gottman), suggests that healthy relationships exhibit 5 positive interactions for every negative 1. That makes sense, right? You can’t pay your bills if you are in the red. Nor can you sustain health and joy in families if you are draining your account with negative words and actions. Conflict happens! But the impact on the relationship is significantly lower when you have a large reserve of positive “funds”. *****Be intentional every day to listen, hug, laugh, compliment, praise, confess your love, comfort, and give attention (put the phone down!) to your loved ones. Can you get to 5-10 meaningful exchanges with each member of your family each day? Give it a shot!***** 2) 5 Minute Special Time: Special Time is a concept taken from Parent Child Interaction Therapy which I use often in family therapy, at home, and with teachers in classroom. It is designed to build a stronger attachment between parent and child, but it also sets the stage for better behavior. Children are more likely to comply with requests and direction when they are attached and have some sense of control. Remember the 5:1 ratio? This is similar in that children who are given control and attention faithfully every day have a large positive account. So, when parents have to make a withdrawal such as commands and consequences, children are more willing to spend some of their reserves. Special Time can be easily adapted for quick and painless implementation.You pick five teeny tiny minutes around the same time every day and spend it with your child. They begin to rely on and look forward to it. In those five minutes, they choose the activity. You follow their lead. You do not correct, criticize, or offer suggestions (unless they are being unsafe), or even ask them any questions. You just engage with them. You use narration of what they are doing to show they have your full attention and you reflect back anything they say to show you are truly listening. ****Could you adapt this easily with each child in your home? What if you resolved to spend five minutes a day with your spouse in this un-distracted and intentionally listening manner? It’s pretty awesome stuff!**** 3) 5 Min Timeout: This one is all about conflict resolution and self-control. It takes some time to master but the peace that comes when you do is nothing short of life-changing. Again, intentionality is key here. Anger is a sneaky little you-know-what! It can turn on a dime and transform us into pretty nasty people, at times. Learning to listen to your body and understanding when you are nearing a boiling point; when you might be most prone to making that hurtful statement towards your spouse or snapping or screaming at your kids, is the first step. Is your chest tight? Is your heart racing? Are tears stinging your eyes? Know when you are near-explosion and take a 5 minute timeout at the first warning sign. Try to announce your timeout: “Mommy needs 5 minutes” or “Honey, I’m feeling too worked up to keep talking about this right now, I need 5 minutes”. This announcement alone can quickly de-escalate a situation. Then take 5. Breathe deep, take a walk, lie down, or just remove yourself physically. Collect your thoughts. If I think about all the things I have said or done to my family when I have been angry, my stomach knots. Five simple and intentional minutes (you might find you need more time, and that’s OK!) really can prevent a world of hurt and regret. The bonus of this one? You are modeling and teaching your kids the value of self-regulation at the same time. Score! 4) 5 Love Languages: I cannot say enough about these. The Love Languages are something I cover with 90% of the couples and families with whom I work. Here is the quick and dirty version: everyone accepts and expresses love differently. Knowing your own love language, and more importantly, the love languages of your spouse and children is paramount to successful love communication. If my kids speak Cantonese, I speak French, and my husband speaks German we would be in a world of communication trouble. Love languages are no different. If I offer up Word of Affirmation to my Physical Touch son, he might not feel loved by me in the way he needs. When my husband brings me flowers, that might not fuel my love tank as much as if he did the dishes if my language is Acts of Service. Raise your intimacy value by learning how to speak multiple love languages in your home. You and your partner can start here to test your language and figure out the language your kids need here (ages5-8), here(ages 9-12), and here (Teens). Go! Hurry! 5) High Fives: because, they are fun. Fun to give. Fun to receive. And almost guaranteed to put a smile on everyone’s face. Even the awkward ones when you miss or are left hangin’! Offer high-fives freely and often. It’s a great way to show your appreciation and love. Fist bumps, back pats, love nudges, hugs, and kisses are acceptable alternatives! Fun! Which of these five strategies do you most want to learn and try? Can you commit to picking just one and using it for at least 30 days? You won’t do it perfectly. You’ll forget and backslide and fail at first. But once you get the hang of it, it will become muscle memory and part of your family’s permanent tapestry. And you will reap the rewards! Have fun with it! Let me hear about your success. Go on! Don’t be afraid. Take the “Take Five” Challenge today! You won’t regret it, I promise :) |
AuthorWelcome! My name is Amberly Gallagher, MS, LMFT and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I specialize in couples counseling, parent coaching, and play therapy for children aged 2-10. I am so glad you are here! Click here to learn more about me! I hope you'll find these original and shared blog posts helpful,insightful, and practical to make the changes in your life you wish to make. Thanks for being here! Archives
April 2017
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