What if I told you that anger wasn’t a “real” emotion? Would you believe me? It feels real enough, right? Physiologically, our bodies have a very real response to anger: sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tightened chest, tense muscles, stomach flutters, and even falling tears. Of course, it’s real……right?! The answer is, well, sort of.

How many emotion words can you name? A lot, huh? Like really; a whole bunch! While having a large vocabulary to describe your emotions, known as “feelings literacy”, has tremendous interpersonal benefits, there are only a small handful of primary human emotions. Many different theorists posit a different number ranging from just three basic emotions up to eight. For the purpose of understanding anger in this discussion, we are going with three. Just 3 primary human emotions: joy, fear, and pain (hurt).  But wait- what about that powerful and all-consuming anger? Well, friends, anger is an iceberg- a secondary emotion.

Before I explain, let’s clear up Anger’s tarnished reputation. Anger is not a “bad” emotion. We flawed and imperfect humans do tend to behave negatively when angry, but at its core, anger is a necessary and healthy response.  Understanding the basics of anger, and all that lies beneath its icy mass, will help diffuse it. Identifying where your anger originates can make the difference between controlling it vs. it controlling you.

Anger only appears when your primary fears or pains are activated. Anger is only the small visible part of a deep and large mass of vulnerability. It serves to protect you. It is a primal defense when your “fight or flight” response is triggered. Anger can be likened to a mama bear protecting her cubs. Anger is the hard exterior that protects our mushy parts. It is only the small surface that can be seen of the iceberg, blocking our view of the pain, hurt, sadness, fears, worries, and doubts underneath. So, why does it get such a bad rap? In short, because we are at our stupidest when we are at our angriest. Anger, left unmanaged, can cause us to be pretty destructive and have serious health implications. It is not possible to not feel angry, but it is possible to feel it in a healthy way. Anger cannot be eliminated, but it can be managed!!

   Acknowledge
Anger is an egotistical, demanding, and attention-seeking force. You must acknowledge Anger and the power it has.  If you fail to notice it, it will increase its intensity until you lose control. What does this look like? It means noticing your body cues and saying, “Wow, I’m angry.”  Remember that anger isn’t bad. It is a sign of brewing feelings underneath.  Validate those feelings. Even if you are not yet sure what they are. A simple act of giving yourself permission to sit in your anger (briefly) or others to feel theirs can take away the hold Anger often has on us.

 Investigate
Next time you are angry, ask yourself if you are scared or hurt. Initially, the answer may not come with ease. But remember that all those words we have for feelings can be categorized under the primary emotions. When that idiot in the huge SUV pulled out in front of you, I bet you were pretty mad, huh? But I wonder if you were scared that he almost made you wreck, or felt hurt that he insensitively dismissed your safety. What about when your partner chose to stay glued to Facebook on Friday night instead of hanging out with you? Did you go to bed pissed off? I’m willing to bet you felt ignored, activating your fear of rejection or inadequacy. Once you have an idea of which vulnerability is fueling your anger, you can accept it and let the anger dissipate.

How about when others feel angry with you? Would it be helpful for you to be able to assess the size and depth of their Anger Iceberg?  When your boss is angry that you missed a deadline, could you help diffuse the situation by acknowledging that she must have felt hurt that you didn’t value her request? And when your teenage daughter grows angry at you for saying no to that sleepover? Could she be embarrassed (hurt) that she is the only one of her friends not attending? Could she be scared of the social implications?

Take Action
 I’ve said before that the first and best way to improve your relationships is to first enter into intentional and loving relationship with yourself. Getting to understand your anger is a crucial step in that process. Being vulnerable is, well, scary! It’s hard.  It will take time. Start now by looking back on the times in your life that anger has had a negative effect on your relationships. 
Could you re-write your anger stories by inserting ‘I’ statements, instead?  “I am scared of____or hurt when you_____” Could you help your loved ones diffuse their anger, and more willingly take accountability for your role by acknowledging their vulnerable primary emotions, too? “I know you are angry. When I ______, it must have caused you to feel pretty scared of_____ or hurt”

It’s okay to feel angry! It’s healthy to protect your innermost hurts and fears. Accept and acknowledge your anger next time you feel heated. Then, enter into a personal investigation within to determine its origin. Assess the damage and your next move. Remember the Titanic? How different would things have been had they acknowledged the power of that iceberg and made the corrections necessary to change their direction?  Like the Titanic crew, you, too, have an opportunity to chart a different course.  Anger loses its control over you and your loved ones when you spend some time examining your inner maps, I promise!

I am a big fan of getting more bang for my buck. I’m willing to bet you prefer to work smarter versus harder, too.  In our “go, go, go” world, where we are often balancing our many commitments, responsibilities, and fragile relationships, I like knowing that there are fairly quick and painless ways to invest in the people that matter most to me. 

Although making any change in how I interact with my children or spouse requires some intentionality and effort, I have found these five things to be a rather small investment with a really large return.  In fact, I have seen these five little strategies be almost guaranteed to show results in improving attachment, resolving conflict, and reducing stress across families, couples, and even preschool classrooms with whom I have worked.   

So, how can the power of 5 help you? Here are five ways (the quick and easy versions) in which “5” can drastically improve the relationships in your life

1) 5:1 Ratio:  This one is easy to understand, and once it is practiced and mastered, will make a significant difference in the relationships you have as a parent and partner. Like saving money, it requires discipline and intentionality, but the return on investment can be a game-changer. It is so powerful that both marriage experts and parenting experts alike recommend it. 
The “magic ratio” (Gottman), suggests that healthy relationships exhibit 5 positive interactions for every negative 1. That makes sense, right? You can’t pay your bills if you are in the red. Nor can you sustain health and joy in families if you are draining your account with negative words and actions. Conflict happens! But the impact on the relationship is significantly lower when you have a large reserve of positive “funds”.


*****Be intentional every day to listen, hug, laugh, compliment, praise, confess your love, comfort, and give attention (put the phone down!) to your loved ones. Can you get to 5-10 meaningful exchanges with each member of your family each day? Give it a shot!*****
   
   2) 5 Minute Special Time: Special Time is a concept taken from Parent Child Interaction Therapy  which I use often in family therapy, at home, and with teachers in classroom. It is designed to build a stronger attachment between parent and child, but it also sets the stage for better behavior. Children are more likely to comply with requests and direction when they are attached and have some sense of control.  Remember the 5:1 ratio? This is similar in that children who are given control and attention faithfully every day have a large positive account. So, when parents have to make a withdrawal such as commands and consequences, children are more willing to spend some of their reserves.  Special Time can be easily adapted for quick and painless implementation.You pick five teeny tiny minutes around the same time every day and spend it with your child. They begin to rely on and look forward to it. In those five minutes, they choose the activity. You follow their lead. You do not correct, criticize, or offer suggestions (unless they are being unsafe), or even ask them any questions. You just engage with them. You use narration of what they are doing to show they have your full attention and you reflect back anything they say to show you are truly listening. 

****Could you adapt this easily with each child in your home? What if you resolved to spend five minutes a day with your spouse in this un-distracted and intentionally listening manner? It’s pretty awesome stuff!****

3) 5 Min Timeout: This one is all about conflict resolution and self-control. It takes some time to master but the peace that comes when you do is nothing short of life-changing. Again, intentionality is key here. Anger is a sneaky little you-know-what!  It can turn on a dime and transform us into pretty nasty people, at times. Learning to listen to your body and understanding when you are nearing a boiling point; when you might be most prone to making that hurtful statement towards your spouse or snapping or screaming at your kids, is the first step. Is your chest tight? Is your heart racing? Are tears stinging your eyes? Know when you are near-explosion and take a 5 minute timeout at the first warning sign. Try to announce your timeout: “Mommy needs 5 minutes” or “Honey, I’m feeling too worked up to keep talking about this right now, I need 5 minutes”. This announcement alone can quickly de-escalate a situation. Then take 5. Breathe deep, take a walk, lie down, or just remove yourself physically. Collect your thoughts. If I think about all the things I have said or done to my family when I have been angry, my stomach knots. Five simple and intentional minutes (you might find you need more time, and that’s OK!)  really can prevent a world of hurt and regret. The bonus of this one? You are modeling and teaching your kids the value of self-regulation at the same time. Score!

4) 5 Love Languages:  I cannot say enough about these. The Love Languages are something I cover with 90% of the couples and families with whom I work. Here is the quick and dirty version: everyone accepts and expresses love differently. Knowing your own love language, and more importantly, the love languages of your spouse and children is paramount to successful love communication. If my kids speak Cantonese, I speak French, and my husband speaks German we would be in a world of communication trouble. Love languages are no different. If I offer up Word of Affirmation to my Physical Touch son, he might not feel loved by me in the way he needs. When my husband brings me flowers, that might not fuel my love tank as much as if he did the dishes if my language is Acts of Service. Raise your intimacy value by learning how to speak multiple love languages in your home. You and your partner can start here to test your language and figure out the language your kids need here (ages5-8), here(ages 9-12), and here (Teens). Go! Hurry!
  
       5)  High Fives: because, they are fun. Fun to give. Fun to receive. And almost guaranteed to put a smile on everyone’s face. Even the awkward ones when you miss or are left hangin’! Offer high-fives freely and often. It’s a great way to show your appreciation and love.  Fist bumps, back pats, love nudges, hugs, and kisses are acceptable alternatives!  Fun!  

Which of these five strategies do you most want to learn and try? Can you commit to picking just one and using it for at least 30 days? You won’t do it perfectly. You’ll forget and backslide and fail at first. But once you get the hang of it, it will become muscle memory and part of your family’s permanent tapestry. And you will reap the rewards! Have fun with it! Let me hear about your success. Go on! Don’t be afraid. Take the “Take Five” Challenge today! You won’t regret it, I promise :)